Wednesday, September 22, 2010
(Steven Mitchell : Evening Glory)
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott
So many of you wrote and offered support and kindness and compassion, I am more than grateful. So summer was hot and full of turmoil, as I wrestled with the Job Situation and the Hell Hill. 29 Steps became my the main refrain of my days, and it was making me my life something that was constantly measured in steps. It became humorous too, at times I would be so tired I would fall up the stairs, not down. The landlord never did get the railing fixed,but he did something that was very kind, he offered me another rental that was not on a hill, it is on Flat Ground and a Flat street near a Market. And I can walk 3 steps into the house, and it has a driveway where I can park and take my groceries into the kitchen. And for me that is bliss.
The House is a sideby side again, but not 1894...newer..Which means the stairs are more even and less steep....It is in a hood full of houses and college kids and old hippies. There are people on porches grilling, playing guitars, and singing, College kids playing RISK, and young families our walking and a Community Pea patch and so many dogs all kinds and sizes. And it smells of candles and incense and grilling and Basil. And NO Foreclosed homes-not one. ( My old house I was surrounded on all sides, and it made me so sad, especially when they were empty).
So I spent most of August and part of September getting Son and I moved, I cleaned out both places, I scrubbed and painted and tidied and even laid one tile floor and stripped another of carpet and tile to get to the hardwood. It was hot and withering...and I worked and I knew that I wanted to be moved by the time the seasons changed. I did it frantically because every fall has brought changes. Where I am so stiff and sore and weak I can not do things in the same way, this has happened for the past 3 falls. Where I drop things and break things as the temperature shifts, and the tingling is worse and the spasms are like knifes. I wanted to be ready this year. And I wanted to have everything taken care of. And the new place does have stairs, but for now I can still do them, some days better than others. And we will have to see how it goes....for now.
And the Ex came and we had a long talk and I explained that I NEED a job where I am not on my feet and where I can sit, it is not being lazy, that MS is real and damaging and a battle and I need another way to fight it. So this month I am working on my Resume and will be looking for jobs that embrace my Research Skills and if I have to be using a cane I will interview with a Cane. So be it. I am done lying and trying to "act fine". I am exhausted and tired. I was diagnosed in Fall 2004 and have had no Healthcare, that is NOT my fault. That shows we are a Broken Country.
Now about HCR. I did receive a Call back from the High Risk Pool chosen Insurance Company in August. They said that my NEW insurance that I could apply for would cost 1200/month and that there would be a 10,000 deductible.I can not afford 1200 /month, that is more than my rent, WHO could afford THAT ? And the joke, it is the SAME company that canceled me in 2006 for having Breast Cancer in my family History. I told the lady on the phone that the Rate was "Unrealistic, that NO ONE could pay that, that it would again limit care and access.She had no response.Silence when confronted with the Truth".... So for now it looks like I am waiting to get HealthCare in 2014...Or hoping and praying that I get a job with Insurance. I would love a job that allows me to still be a Nurse, maybe Psych nursing or something like that...or more research.But no standing, no running around....But Time will tell.
For now Son and I are staying here, in Cleveland by Lake Erie, and hoping and praying that we find our way this year to get to NYC and trying to come up with a Better Plan. So if you have ideas I am still listening...Always.
And I am going to add PayPal to my blog because maybe I could allow people to support and appreciate my writing. I also am going to start blogging again everyday,because it helps keep me focused and connected.
This tub is my heaven...it has a Window overlooking tall old trees and the curtains are made from an old dotted swiss dress and I have candles and sunchimes that I made out of wires and marbles... ( 6-6 has the 2nd floor to himself and I live in the attic, it's all good and we don't share the Bathroom anymore, he has his...and I have mine, so neither has to rush now.And his OCD has it's own space....I have a little bit of heaven...)
This is the Floor in the attic-I have two rooms to myself...and I had to strip the carpet...and then I found there was tile...UGH. I had to remove all the carpet-it was pet stained and bugridden-so off it went. But this floor really challenged me, as I sat and picked the tile-that chipped off in tiny pieces I had lots of time to reflect and think and pray.....Patience and Strength are taught by Circumstances and Problems....that is is the way of it.