Florence, My Grandmother

I know that I mentioned Flo in the post about my Great Aunt May, and I was going to write about her this month. Since I mentioned her, I think I should go ahead and write about her, and she holds a special place in my heart. And since this Administration is not honoring the Women of this country- I will go ahead and honor some. And later in the month I will explain Why I am honoring these women and holding them dear at this point.

Florence was born in July 18, 1914. She was named because her parents were in Italy right before the World War. She was concieved on this holiday trip, and yes in Florence. ( and yes she was grateful that she had not been concieved in Pompeii or Milan). In the 1980's we discovered that she shared her birthday with Nelson Mandela- and she really liked that , said it was an honor.When she was little she was called Florrie. As she grew up she became Flo, and as my grandmother I called her Mimi. She was married to my grandfather Ted, he was a staunch Republican, and she was a Closet Democrat. ( Which mostly means that her husband and mother-in-law Granny Ethel did NOT and would not ever know that was a Democrat and she had voted for shhh Kennedy).

Now here is the thing, I got on my mother's nerves, for a whole bunch of reasons. I am a little bit of a tomboy. I like jeans, not dresses. I read too much, and I am pretty shy. All of these things used to irritate my mom. So my grandmother used to take me to do errands and hang out at her house. ( Now just to let you know- yes my family is fairly dysfunctional) But in the long run this arrangement worked because I got to know my entire family, especially my Aunties. I learned from them, their manners, and the Code. How to treat people, how to accept things and get on in life. So Gwennie may have been annoyed with the skinny peeked child, but the Aunties called me the Keeper of the Castle.

Now back to Florence, and the reason she was a Closet Democrat. She loved Ted, and she said that she had decided a long time ago what mattered and what would only cause pain. And she also knew that Ted, who was headstrong and ALWAYS right would waste alot of energy trying to talk her out of her political views. She also was still raising a teenager when I was growing up, so she was striving to be openminded in the 1960's. ( My Dad's sister is 12 years younger than him). But mostly she wanted Peace at home. She also truly loved Ted, she loved him more than she loved fighting is what she used to say.

There love was documented in small beautiful ways. In the downstairs hall closet I used to go in there to raid coat pockets for
Cinnamon Gum and Lifesavers.I used to love inhaling the smell of cherry pipe tobacco and my grandmother's White Shoulders perfume. The coats were hung with care, and the greatest secret was in the pockets of those coats and the golf bag. There were little love letters and note neatly tucked and folded. ( And yes, of course I read them....and someday I hope I find some notes in my pocket like that....).

Flo was beautiful, she had smokey blue gray eyes and wavy auburn hair.( And yes, thank my stars I have her eyes, but that also means I end up looking into her eyes everyday). In the 1920's, and early 1930's she was a flapper girl, complete with beautiful beaded dresses, and dancing slippers. ( And yes, my mother Also Sold THE DRESSES in a yard sale...my fury had NO Limits). She was born to a wealthy family , the only girl. She could have been spoiled, but she wasn't. She was one of the most giving people I have ever met. She was well schooled, spoke French, and painted and read, danced, and had beautiful gardens. Her yellow roses were incredible.

She was also a terrible cook, and had maids and cooks. ( Which she used to joke saved her marriage).So going to her house meant that I got to spend time with Ida, Cal and Annie ( the maids), and in many ways they were as special as the Aunties.They ruled the basement where they had sleeping quarters, a dressing room. In the laundry room they had a radio with Aretha blaring and the Kennedy Brothers hanging over the dryer.Sometimes I was sent down there to help, and other times I just liked to go sit on the dryer and listen to them and the radio.

Flo was a Real Lady. She had class in all the ways that mattered. She also was the Grand Dame in the neighborhood. If someone died, she organized all the neighbors. And that also was true if there a divorce, she was the first one to bring flowers, Silbers Cookies and support. She also looked after the Aunties who were all older in years, Aunt May downtown,
Granny Ethel in her little apt, and Elizabeth uptown. All of them were in varying degrees of vision loss- and all more stubborn than the next. By the time I was 16, I was helping her with the grocery, library, and doctor appointment runs for these stubborn ladies. And my mother periodically would need relief from the Twins . ( Yes I am a twin). So we would go stay with Mimi. And my mother would go Rest somewhere for weeks at a time. ( I never asked). And my dad worked out of town all the time.

Now Flo was interesting. I found out when Bobby Kennedy died and she was crying in the basement with Cal that she was going to VOTE FOR HIM...I was stunned. I watched these two women cry. Cal asked if she could have off to go pay her respects as the train passed and Flo said yes, by all means. I watched them that week in June , 1968, how they would hand Kleenex to each other, and pat each other gently on the shoulder and sniffle as they went about the house. Cal eventually lived down in the basement that summer because her apartment downtown got burned in the Riots. And that is why Flo was so insistant trying to get May to come uptown, but you know that didn't happen.

When I was in nursing school I went to visit my grandparents down in Florida,by 1980 they spent year part-time in South and part North.My grandmother had emphysema, so she did not do well with the cold. That summer, she showed me a lump under her arm, and I told her that she should be checked. She insisted it was nothing. I even called her doctor and asked him to check her for breast cancer. He was a SOB, and informed me that nursing students should not be diagnosing people, especially relatives.I almost ripped the payphone right out of the wall, and I was not the most polite creature.That fall she was run down, and I kept asking what the doctor said. he put her on vitamins and told her it was" probally hormonal, change of life "etc.( I told her that was absurd, that she was 68, she needed a BETTER doctor). Valentines day I called to wish her Happy Valentines day and ask if she got the Dark Chocolates I had sent. And I was going to tell her I was engaged. She told me that she had finally gone to Another Doctor.

Her initial Diagnosis was Breast Cancer, she was 68 years old. She had 4 lumps in one breast and it was also in 19 nodes.The doctor told her it was "Treatable". She told him she wanted to keep her hair, especially if she was going to lose both breasts.
( "I don't mind being flat, but my hair is another story). I was the first one to talk to her after she got the diagnosis, she had not told Ted yet, he was playing golf.She had just met with the doctor. We talked and came up with a plan. She was so calm. She must have asked 20 times if I was upset.

She fought it bravely and worked hard to stay ladylike, that mattered to her.And due to Ice Cap treatments she did indeed keep her hair. I spent my vacations down with them. She would send me to cocktail parties with Ted, I was to spy on the ladies and pick out the ones that were okay, acceptable.
"If he is going to spend time with people after I am gone, I need to know that good folks will look out for him, and if there is one that is kind to him I can live with that". It took my breath away. I was stunned. ( And yes, believe it or not she did pick out a new mate for him before she died, yet neither Ted or Helen knew that.But that is a story for another day).

I went to see her Thanksgiving 1986, she was 71 by then. I knew that she didn't have much time. She met my new husband. She had been too sick to come to the wedding. She was gracious and kind to him. And she was so sick by then. She ended up having lung cancer with the breast cancer. She would daintly cough blood into a napkin or a kleenex. ( I never smoked again after that trip).I watched Flo and Ted slow dance to It's a Wonderful World in the Living Room, gracefully manuvering around her oxygen tubing, it took my breath away it was like they were 23 again.

I went home to Vermont and on Christmas eve I recieved a package from her. She and I had always shared shoes, I wear a size 10.5AAA ( which for womens is huge).I thought oh good, shoes. Then I opened the package,and inside were her very favorite golf shoes white goatskin with lavender stitching.I had joked at Thanksgiving time that golf shoes would work to walk to and from the Hospital for work on the icey hills.As soon as I touched those shoes I knew that she was gone. I sat on my front steps and just cried as I held the shoes.

On that very day, Christmas eve 1986 My grandfather called and said that she had died at home, and that all of the Hospice plans that we had put in place had made it so much easier. She sent him to the store and he was gone 10 minutes, and when he came home she was gone. They were married for 50 years.He said that he didn't understand why she left when he was gone ,and I explained that it was easier for her that way. She could not bear to say Goodbye to him.

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These women are ever present with me, as I try to raise my son and be a good mother, especially these two.They tried hard to give me lessons about Dignity and Strength and Compassion. I am trying to honor them and their lessons. I know that they were right that we Must try to look out for each other and do the right thing. I know that they would have supported me as a Whistleblower.These women taught me how to take care of people, how to Listen, and so in many ways they did indeed make me a better nurse. I know that they would have understood why I am now divorced, even though I am the first in the family ever. ( Although truth be told, Aunt May admitted that she would have made a lousy wife, she called her men the "library"). They would have understood my rage with this Administration for abandoning and mistreating so many and taking this country into a false war. And yes I know Aunt May would have called Mr. Bush names and had to put money in my swear jar.That is all from the Enigma tonight.

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