When There Are No Words....

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I look at this woman......The Tension, the Fatigue, the Fight, the Spirit, the Question of "When Does this End ?" ...the Look in her eyes...It could be a mirror....It could be me....( It's not me...it's a Migrant Worker from the Depression....captured in time by Dorthea Lange).

I have always tried to be hopeful,even when blogging, writing about about the Worst of Anything. Even blogging all through the Titannical Bush Years. I tried to keep Perspective and even a sense of humor...and even tried to keep my wits...tried to stay strong...When you live with a Teenager you worry that you will set the wrong example, you realize What you do teaches irreplacable Life Lessons. When my son and I lived in one room in a rooming house in California, and our clothes were stolen from the Laundry Mat, I tried to explain to my son that Someone Must be in worst Straights than Us.And if the Pipes broke and flooded the Basement in the 1894 Rental... I tried to use that as yet another "Fix It" Lesson with my "Tool Purse". ( At this point I could write books on "Why Redheads should Not be Plumbers"). When our rented Loft downtown got Foreclosed and we had 2 weeks to move and it was Zero Degrees and January, I made awful jokes about Why Siberians Don't even Move in Winter.....I even made jokes about how ludicrous a Nurse should work at a grocery store in an attempt to get Health Insurance....I even made jokes when the said grocery store made us wear coats and fingerless gloves, rather than spend money on Fixing the Heater.( I called that the Bush Repair Program).

When my son and I left the Downtown Loft we moved into an old Battered Side By Side in an old tree-lined street in an older neighborhood 2 miles from the heart of DownTown. An 1894 Trolley House that is full of challenges.My hood was originally full of working class families and College and grad students. But months after coming here slowly things started to change....I know that we have been told that the "Recession" started in 2008. But it started long before that, in 2006 or 2007. I am haunted that Bush could not even say the "R " word, and the Media let him get away with it. While he could not say the "R" word, people in my hood were losing Homes, and jobs and cars and yes, Hope and Dreams.

Over the years I have blogged about watching furniture being dragged to the Curb and watching men restlessly do yard work and quietly and with shameladen faces use Food Stamps at the little market. And Old People from my hood pay for meager soup meals with change in coffee cans. I have made brownies for families as I said goodbye and helped them pack. I have watched students move home, because they could not find jobs.I have taken soup to families sleeping in cars at end of street.I have cared for stray animals left behind.I have met most of the Metal Men who scavenge our streets on Sunday night. I have watched other students move home because there were no loans and not enough money.....I too am living with a son who should be in college, but financially there is not a path right now, he knows the realities, yet he keeps reading and studying, and that tugs at my heart. And I know that there are thousands of young people who have been effected by this, their lives changed.

I have watched two neighbors die without Health Insurance and without Care, the one lady died alone. I still have trouble walking by those houses. The one house they lost the house because they had a reverse mortgage, that had been set up in case they had a medical emergency. And over time, there have been more and more houses. I even lost neighbors who were renting, because their landlords got foreclosed. And over time it got be that I would walk my dog and listen to Music or watch birds and squirrels because there was no one to greet or talk to. And the Empty Houses looked as lonely as I felt......
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{*Depression Photo Russell Lee-did not want to post photos of homes from hood,as it might embarass struggling neighbors}

And I thought I was OK....working perdiem and odd jobs and keeping the routine of taking care of my son, walking the dog, applying for jobs every week and even keeping my house tidy, that the routines would shield me from the Reality......

Now in the Midst of all this I lost two jobs....and while everything was busy breaking in June ( Car , Computer, the Thugs that took apart my railing.... etc....etc...)

Then The Census Worker came.....and she said that she was having trouble getting people to answer the doors to finish our Street. So we walked the street and I explained House by House the situation. "That was where a Teacher lived-he got laid off and foreclosed". " That is where a nurse and medtech lived-but they lost their house-it's been foreclosed, or for sale for over 2 years." ( If they take the Mail box off the house that is a good hint that the family is gone). She was stunned, " I had no idea that so many homes had been lost" . We talked about the level of Loss of Homes and jobs and how they were intertwined, and how they were all hardworking families, living in old homes, none were living beyond their means.We talked about how it was all intertwined, the jobs, the healthcare crisis, the Economy that has hurt so many.I told her that I had canvassed for Obama so I knew my hood really well, that it had seemed to slowly change, but that I now realized that so much had changed since that Winter when homes still had families....

I watched her write down the information, house by house carefully Documenting the Damage and we both silently wondered if the devastation can really be documented fully ? What was it like in the 30's ? It's hard to document the Damage and the quiet desolation of the Empty Houses is deafening......
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And in the midst of this Vast Emptiness....the Street of Goodbyes,And the Summer of Broken Things...... I also have had to face Myself. That the MS is not going away....it's Real, it's part of my life...in a Broken Frustrating way.... There are things I can not do, and that are getting too hard and harder by the day and just like facing the Empty Houses I have to admit that Rickety Old Stairs and a Huge Hill are making my life miserable.And that I can not "fix" it...or me. And that does not mean I am weak or whining...it means that things Change.....I need to find other ways to be Strong, that means live in a different place and yes even look at NonNursing Jobs as a Reality....it means giving up...and letting go.It means finding other ways to reach dreams and goals. It means that sometimes being Broken effects others....and saying I am sorry to my son in a 1000 different ways....That I will still help him reach his goals and dreams...but we need to do it Another Way....

And it took me two months of Silence to make Peace with That Reality.... There were No Words.....
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To all of those that offered to listen to talk and were and are so kind I can only say thank you. I just had to get through it alone, it is how I cope and work through things,especially when the struggle is at it's heaviest, I can not bear to burden others with my problems.I also in some ways guilty for posting this when so many others are suffering,especially those in the Gulf and Haiti,but I know others are also struggling during these times.I also need to say I am sorry but if you emailed me in May or June I was hacked and didn't get alot of my mail...so again I apologize.... But I remain grateful to all....very much so. I continue to try to find my grace during this period...thank you and I apologize...