Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Indian Summer brings Changes : Enigma Update


(Steven Mitchell : Evening Glory)
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Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
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Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott
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So many of you wrote and offered support and kindness and compassion, I am more than grateful. So summer was hot and full of turmoil, as I wrestled with the Job Situation and the Hell Hill. 29 Steps became my the main refrain of my days, and it was making me my life something that was constantly measured in steps. It became humorous too, at times I would be so tired I would fall up the stairs, not down. The landlord never did get the railing fixed,but he did something that was very kind, he offered me another rental that was not on a hill, it is on Flat Ground and a Flat street near a Market. And I can walk 3 steps into the house, and it has a driveway where I can park and take my groceries into the kitchen. And for me that is bliss.

The House is a sideby side again, but not 1894...newer..Which means the stairs are more even and less steep....It is in a hood full of houses and college kids and old hippies. There are people on porches grilling, playing guitars, and singing, College kids playing RISK, and young families our walking and a Community Pea patch and so many dogs all kinds and sizes. And it smells of candles and incense and grilling and Basil. And NO Foreclosed homes-not one. ( My old house I was surrounded on all sides, and it made me so sad, especially when they were empty).

So I spent most of August and part of September getting Son and I moved, I cleaned out both places, I scrubbed and painted and tidied and even laid one tile floor and stripped another of carpet and tile to get to the hardwood. It was hot and withering...and I worked and I knew that I wanted to be moved by the time the seasons changed. I did it frantically because every fall has brought changes. Where I am so stiff and sore and weak I can not do things in the same way, this has happened for the past 3 falls. Where I drop things and break things as the temperature shifts, and the tingling is worse and the spasms are like knifes. I wanted to be ready this year. And I wanted to have everything taken care of. And the new place does have stairs, but for now I can still do them, some days better than others. And we will have to see how it goes....for now.

And the Ex came and we had a long talk and I explained that I NEED a job where I am not on my feet and where I can sit, it is not being lazy, that MS is real and damaging and a battle and I need another way to fight it. So this month I am working on my Resume and will be looking for jobs that embrace my Research Skills and if I have to be using a cane I will interview with a Cane. So be it. I am done lying and trying to "act fine". I am exhausted and tired. I was diagnosed in Fall 2004 and have had no Healthcare, that is NOT my fault. That shows we are a Broken Country.

Now about HCR. I did receive a Call back from the High Risk Pool chosen Insurance Company in August. They said that my NEW insurance that I could apply for would cost 1200/month and that there would be a 10,000 deductible.I can not afford 1200 /month, that is more than my rent, WHO could afford THAT ? And the joke, it is the SAME company that canceled me in 2006 for having Breast Cancer in my family History. I told the lady on the phone that the Rate was "Unrealistic, that NO ONE could pay that, that it would again limit care and access.She had no response.Silence when confronted with the Truth".... So for now it looks like I am waiting to get HealthCare in 2014...Or hoping and praying that I get a job with Insurance. I would love a job that allows me to still be a Nurse, maybe Psych nursing or something like that...or more research.But no standing, no running around....But Time will tell.

For now Son and I are staying here, in Cleveland by Lake Erie, and hoping and praying that we find our way this year to get to NYC and trying to come up with a Better Plan. So if you have ideas I am still listening...Always.

And I am going to add PayPal to my blog because maybe I could allow people to support and appreciate my writing. I also am going to start blogging again everyday,because it helps keep me focused and connected.
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This tub is my heaven...it has a Window overlooking tall old trees and the curtains are made from an old dotted swiss dress and I have candles and sunchimes that I made out of wires and marbles... ( 6-6 has the 2nd floor to himself and I live in the attic, it's all good and we don't share the Bathroom anymore, he has his...and I have mine, so neither has to rush now.And his OCD has it's own space....I have a little bit of heaven...)
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This is the Floor in the attic-I have two rooms to myself...and I had to strip the carpet...and then I found there was tile...UGH. I had to remove all the carpet-it was pet stained and bugridden-so off it went. But this floor really challenged me, as I sat and picked the tile-that chipped off in tiny pieces I had lots of time to reflect and think and pray.....Patience and Strength are taught by Circumstances and Problems....that is is the way of it.

13 comments:

Fran said...

Hi E ~ So glad you are moved to a better place that is more functional & had 2 bathrooms (I wish we had 2 here !!!).

Sounds like you have some plans in the works, and some options. Having a better layout sans the dreaded hill is an excellent starting place.
Nice of the landlord to come up with a place for you.

I wish you well and hope the change of season brings about positive changes for your family.

enigma4ever said...

thank you fran...
I am so grateful to you and everyone for the support and advice...

things are going to be better for my son I hope too...

and this year we will see where we end up and how the economy goes....

time will tell..

many hugs to you

Sewmouse said...

After seeing the miracles you worked with your last place, I have little doubt that you will manage to turn this new place into a cozy home very quickly.

I sympathize with the removal of the old tile - been there, done that - and still need to do it on my kitchen, but waiting until I can afford to have someone ELSE do it for me.

fallenmonk said...

So glad to hear that you are back and that the housing situation is improved and more comfortable and accessible. My father lived the last 40 years of his life with MS and I know that it is a struggle but not and impossible one. Keep positive and know that you have spirits out here that care. Looking forward to seeing you on a regular basis. Best of luck with the job hunt. Mine has been absolutely fruitless but my return to big time gardening has kept me busy and at peace. Namaste

MandT said...

What an amazing woman you are----simply extraordinary. Your life inspires us. peace, MandT

enigma4ever said...

Mandt:
hi dear friend...hope all is well your way....thank you for always being so kind....

Fallenmonk:
hey there....your garden has always inspired me-really amazing....I think that the community garden/pea patch near me is calling to me -esp if I will be here another year....gardens are so good for the soul....So sorry about your dad....I bet he was amazing...about your job situation, I am so sorry....so many of those I know have the same story....these are hard times...truly....take care and much Light your way..namaste...

Sewmouse;;;;
oh thank you for saying that...so grateful...I try hard to make each place "Home" for my son..I really do...the tile was the most wretched job ever...seriously I am sure the neighbors heard me swearing and cursing...that floor is now stained with my blood and tears...lordy...( ugliest tile ever...hideous....) I still need to stain it-but I need a nice dry day....not this week...so good to hear from you...thank you again..take care...

Kittie Howard said...

Enigma, after being away pretty much for the summer and returning to life's tread mill, I dropped in, thinking you were fine...well, you are fine...you're a strong woman who will perservere...but I have a pit in my stomach for all you've been through. None of it should be. Last night I had a telephone call from an old friend. We were chatting along. Out of the blue she said she had to work to keep health insurance. When she told me how much she paid, I gasped. But she doesn't want health care reform because she thinks the government would screw it up (her words). When I asked her how health care could be any more screwed up than it is, she grew silent. She's a Tea Partier now...like I said, there's this pit in my stomach.

Anyway, hugs to you, stay strong, and good luck finding a job compatible with MS. HUGS!

Pink Granite said...

Brava!
I am humbled by your hard work and perseverance.
Wishing you and your son all good things - - - and soon!
;o)

enigma4ever said...

KITTIE:::
Thank you so so much...it will be ok...I have great faith and great hope...

Pink Granite::::
oh thank you and so good to see you too....

tom said...

Enigma, I hear that the VA is hiring like crazy, also a pal of mine who IS a nurse is doing sit down research for medical claims at the VA...
You are SUCH an inspiration, I will look FORWARD to seeing a TIP JAR at your web page
(I keep looking...)
And remember
the words of Winston Churchill
never never never never surrender
cheers and keep fighting the forces of evil!!!
TomDem

mommapolitico said...

Yay! You are back! SO glad housing situation is better for you - keeping positive thoughts your way. Missed your voice on subjects big and small...
Take care.

enigma4ever said...

Thanks Ross...
yup have been checking with the VA -funny you should mention that-here they supposedly only want "specialists"-but I am still trying...thank you...and I have some folks there trying too... So hopefully Something will come thru....thank you for your thoughts...( and yes, you KNOW I would love a research job....oh how I dream...) About the Tip jar-I need some help figuring that out-but hopefully this week will get that sorted...thanks

MommaP....
yup..trying hard to get back in sync here...there is plenty going on so I need to get on it...thanks...I missed everyone too...

D.K. Raed said...

I am late to comment so just wanted to say I know what it's like to live with an OCD person. You definitely need space for your non-OCD self and that attic will do nicely, especially after all your hard work to get it in shape. As I like to remind the OCD I live with, life is a bit messy and so are my countertops ... or put it another way, take a look through a microscope sometime if you think life should line up, everything squared off in a row. The only things that look like that under a microscope are viruses! heheh ... well we do what we can with these OCD men, right?