Saturday, November 17, 2007

Eulogy to my Uncle Chuck


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A few weeks back I found out about the loss of Someone that Mattered, and Someone that I did not get to see or say GoodBye...so if you all don't mind I am going to write a little about him here and say Goodbye. I know it is self indulgent of me, and maybe selfish...but a blog is many things, sometimes it is a place make peace with the past.And sometimes it can even be a place to heal something that you did not even know was broken....or how broken.
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When I was growing up things were different. It was the 1960s, a time of tumultous change, riots, to marches, to great divisions and political chasms. My family was full of division and strife and dysfunctional as a 2nd hand Pacer. I was the kind of kid that watched Everything and asked too many questions. I was the one at the Thanksgiving Dinner when I was eight called Nixon a Dickhead ( and was treated to palmolive soap). MOST of my family were staunch Repugs, except for my closet Dem grandmother Flo...I had wonderful Great Aunts( mostly from the South, May, Elizabeth, Julia- Strong women from Kentucky...)Now about my own little nucleus, you all have noted that I rarely blog on them. My dad was brilliant, and my mom was well, Difficult at best. Judgemental and Cruel at worst. I spent alot of time at my grandmothers, as a reprieve, as a time away from a rough situation. ( That would all change when my grandparents moved to Florida when I was about 11).

And then there was My Dad's family, he had a younger sister, and she was 11 years younger than him, and that is quite a difference. She went to college and when I was about nine she fell in love. She told us and we were at the Beach, Ocean City for our 2 week summer vacation. Our whole family. And she told us about "Chuck" , and we were suposed to go meet him. He took the Bus down from New York. So we were walking to meet him at the Station. As we stood on one side of the street, Carol saw him on the other side, and she turned to us, my sister and my grandmother Flo and said" Oh, there he is". Across the Street there he was standing on the corner, all of 20. He had long black thick hair and huge dark sparkly black eyes, and a smile that lit the street. My sister was so stunned that she fell off the curb and had to be grabbed by my grandmother, and I proceeded to walk straight into a STOP sign. ( Later in life we would joke with my Aunt that he really did look like Josh Brolin).
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He was not only Handsome , he was SO Interesting. He was student teaching science- elementary. He worked at the school library in his off hours. He was Czech, he had come to the States during Political Unrest, so this made him very myserious. He also loved animals and was very good with them. And when he talked to kids, he really listened, looking them right in the eye. Within a year of meeting him, he and Carol got married. They were so in love and so sweet to each other, I remember them laughing, alot. I had never seen that, so I was intrigued.We went to see them one Thanksgiving, they lived in North New York on an old farm that they fixed up.

He was raising Quail, he took us to see the old Hen House that he was using on their farm. The Quail - there were eggs, and also baby quail. He took my time to explain to me about that the quail had been rare, and their numbers depleted, he very carefully explained that the eggshells held the answers. He told me about Rachel Carson, and how she had studied what Pesticides do to the Birds and their eggs. I never forgot that conversation. And as teenager I bought my first copy of Silent Spring at Yard Sale, and I thought of Chuck. As he raised the Quail, Carol raised dogs, spaniels and setters, and he would show us which dogs were Meant to Hunt, and which ones weren't, he could tell how they acted around his baby quail. And he let me hold a soft fragile baby quail in my hand....It was the first time I ever held a bird and it melted my heart.
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Years later down in Florida we sat be a pool drinking pina-colatas as we all visited my grandparents, by then he was a parent with two little girls.....and we talked about my grandmother's health. ( she later died of Breast and lung cancer). And we talked about them living on the golf course. He said that he thought it was okay...but we both talked about the Golf Course, and quietly worried did they use chemicals." But you gotta love the sun...and golf is kind of fun" he said. I was still worried...and to this day I still worry about it. But the years slipped away, I became a nurse and married and rarely saw them...and our family became more and more fractured. Mostly due to my mother creating arguments and divisions and hurting people. I gave up trying to repair all the relations and moved to New England.
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About 2 years ago, was the last time I spoke to my sister,( which is our norm, thanks to my mom) and she said that Chuck had been sick. I said I am sorry, is he okay? Oh ,yeah she said, "he has that lymphoma, that one that isn't cancer- he is fine. He is young and strong". And I was stupid enough to believe her. But our Family has been broken for so long, that I had to trust her. And by now you all know that I adopt people, because as a black sheep, I long ago gave up on this family that is not capable of the most important of conversations....and incapble of nurturing the most basic connections.
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So here I am. I was doing research last month, on dog issues, for my neighbor with the dog that has hip dysplasia. And it dawned on my that Carol and Chuck live in North New York and raise Dogs, and hunting dogs, they might know of resources to help "Buddy". So I went to look them up....and their work, and maybe even re-initiate contact, regardless of our fractured broken family. The very first google hit that came up was Chuck's Obituary. He died Last spring. He was only 11 years older than me. He died after a short battle with Lymphoma.They held a Memorial Service at his favorite golf course. And I never got to say Goodbye or Thank you...

17 comments:

enigma4ever said...

song is Don't Give Up....I listened to it alot in October...it always soothes my soul....

He loved the Beatles...and folk music...but I just could not find the Right song to put up...

Larry said...

"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

James M. Barrie

John Good said...

Fractured families can really wreak havoc on one. I'm sorry you didn't get to say good bye to him.

LET'S TALK said...

Enigma, that was so touching and sad. My heart grieves for you and the lost to your Aunt and the rest of your family.

I lost a very close Uncle in 06 and I'm told that I haven't yet started to grief. But I think I have even though I miss the long rides to the City he lived, just to check and make sure things were always OK with him.

You express yourself so well and the life you spoke of just jumps out at you, as if you are watching the clips of what you are speaking of. Great post Enigma and I'm very sorry to hear about your lost.

enigma4ever said...

To all thanks...it's funny...I should have blogged it sooner...it helped settle my heart...I still think in the future I will reach out to my aunt...I need to accept that even though there are fractures,and damage caused by others, that sometimes there is another path....I also have realized that blogging helps all of us heal as we connect and share....I have carried around some of this too long and too far....it is time to make peace with it....namaste...

Fran said...

How about *blackbird*? Take these broken wings & learn to fly..... (singing bird sounds).

Anyway, nice eulogy for your Uncle Chuck.
It's important for people to know that can make peace and say goodbyes & thank yous after they have passed.

If one had to do battle with Lymphoma, a short battle would be preferred. I hope you find comfort in knowing he did not have prolonged suffering.

Uncle Chuck seemd like a nice guy, the story of holding the baby bird in hand, & the how that was a special first, was sweet. You'll always have that connection.

Rest in peace Chuck.

enigma4ever said...

Fran: you are so wise...wiser than you know ;-)

He did love the Beatles..and it is so funny, I thought , well, what a great Idea...he used to hum them all the time..and whistle ( he was a good whistler..) so set out to find a good rendering of it YouTube that was harder than I expected...but here is the thing I found it- and Paul McCartney actually explains WHY he wrote it...it is about Civil Rights, I never knew that...It really is such a beautiful song, so sweet, and yes I picture the quail in my hand when I hear it...

I just wish I had known,...and known the truth....my sister and my mom have always done this...it is their pattern to minimalize what is happening to people....it has always saddened me...and this was not the first time I found out sad news....or bad news in such a way....so I always know it will happen again...it is how they hurt people....me.....

What requires much soul searching is how to make peace with the pain they cause...and the pain and sadness of letting go of Someone Special go....but because the lesson is that I have done my best to keep my distance....but I still get hurt.....How I think I have made peace is by letting go of what I can not fix or heal...and remembering WHAT Matters...and for me...you are right it was the Bird in the hand...that moment...is to be treasured....and that he introduced my soul to Rachel Carson and the wonder of Birds in that one moment....that moment is mine...and I am so grateful...always...

Mary said...

That was a beautiful and touching tribute. Those times you shared together will always be with you. People come into our lives and touch us even if for a short time and help to make us who we are. It's a gift.

How I think I have made peace is by letting go of what I can not fix or heal
Right. Some things are out of our control. We have to accept that and take our self away from harmful situations. I feel your pain here. All my directness and efforts to change things or discuss things in my family are met w/denial. I want it to be different but it isn't. Slowly we drift away.

enigma4ever said...

thanks mary...thanks for understanding....it took awhile for me to finally let go of trying and knowing that it was nothing I could fix....that is a ten mile trek.....I also have learned that there is much family along this path, and not bloodrelated...adopted.....family that I value and treasure...

Lulu Maude said...

What a lovely memory of him. It's a strange thing, a fractured family (mine is, too)... I have learned over time that some of the people I think wouldn't be interested in me in fact are very interested, very much wanting me to be in a family relationship to me. If there are others in your family with real potential, don't let them get away. Don't "discriminate" against them because they are relatives.

No said...

I'm sorry about your uncle Chuck. That was a wonderful tribute. Beautifully written.

enigma4ever said...

LuLu: thanks for your thoughts...actually, I would never ever descriminate against any of my family, or anyone....I am very open..and very diplomatic and always was the peacemaker at my family events and being the nurse, there was also a Fix it quality to it, that for many years I was the one that strove to tend to everyone....the truth is most of my family is gone now....Over the years most died off, All the Great Aunts and Grandmother, the grandfather that I loved....and yes they were Repug Relatives I loved dearly.....

And some of the others there is distance and years that seperate...the person that damaged our family sadly was my mother, she hurt many over the years. She was manipulative and destructive, and there were issues that were untreated....and she would target different people and hurt them. When you have someone like that in your family , people pull away and get out of harms way......it is so sad.

But I was and am very grateful that I have had moments with the people in my life....

NO : namaste....thank you....

Fran said...

Hi Enigma~ I have a family with communication problems too- minimizing things, and glossing over stuff. My Dad did not total car(s) because he was an alcoholic, it was because he had a "nosebleed & lost control of the car". Maybe he should have sought help from the Nosebleed Anonymous group? I guess his Sister decided she needed to tidy up his messy life & make the story pallitable. The siblings did him no favor by doing so. I cannot turn back time & insist they speak the truth--but I can speak it myself. Over time, I figured out who of the family I could handle, and have come to accept the others are who they are, and choose to minimize exposure to those who are toxic. You try to be centered and strong, and
I have even psyched myself into determining I would not be sucked in to any particular person's drama. I try to find compassion for them- but also realize I must find balance in my own life. Families can be a tricky thing, Eh?

Praguetwin said...

Indeed, a lovely tribute to a lovely man.

The attitude that "You gotta love the sun.. and golf is kinda fun," really sounds like a Czech attitude to me.

I empathize with your loss.

enigma4ever said...

thanks Prague: You know he had a slight accent, and when he said that I thought it was very much a part of him...loving the moment- knowing when the sun needed to be appreciated....thank you....


Fran: everything you said is so true...even though it should be painful., it is better to just view it clearly...yeah...Nosebleed Problems...I totally understand what you are saying....In many ways it is funny that I am a nurse....I was used to being told to be quiet- tough it out., and yet I took care of all the older relatives..making them soup, taking them to dr appts when I could drive.....I was raised by these wonderful old aunts....I was so lucky...

and lessons along the way.....
namaste...

D.K. Raed said...

I think writing your thoughts out really does help deal with grief. Grief needs to be dealt with, no matter how delayed. I feel priviledged that you chose to share your memories with us. Now we too can remember mysteriously handsome Uncle Chuck and the quail and the dogs.

One day you may be able to make meaningful contact with your Aunt again. This may hold the key to your questions about Uncle Chuck's death. His memories must be very strong in you for you to write such a beautiful rememberance.

So many lessons there ...

enigma4ever said...

I think in many ways we as children do absorb what we need to learn, I think for me, I was always looking to learn Something ...Chuck was so different then anyone in our family, I think it makes sense that it effected me..About my aunt one day...I think for me..I just wanted to write something about him...the obit in the paper said so little, it was so sad. And it didn't tell who he was, and how nice he was to children, it didn't even mention that he had been a teacher before he sold life insurance....that really bugged me...anyways....thank you all for letting me do something so self indulgent...