So I went to walk the dog yesterday morning. I have been using the alley because it is easier when one lives in a Giant Construction War Zone.Creative Flexibility is essential for the urban dog walker. Out my front door is just piles of Rubble and holes and stinky abandoned pipes. So to the alley we go. Lilly excited and prancing about in great Basenji style. Now some of you might remember last Summer I wrote a compelling piece about stumbling across an Abandoned Hairpiece on the Pavement.
So it is true I am used to encountering oddities on walks.
I walked along and talked to Lilly, greeted some of the VETS from the Salvation Army, they smiled, more cheerful than usual, even laughing. I wrote it off to it being a Really Sunny day. Silly me.
So got back to the garage and thought I had some gum stuck to my shoe, looked down and there IT was. The Source of Smiles.A BRIGHT, almost glowing GREEN Condom, a Christmas Green, almost luminous. It looked well....hmm, how do I politely say this, Spent ? Used ? Son wisely pointed out that I should always be glad that People are Using Protection. ( I am very grateful). I told him How Green it was, and he laughed and said "Well, maybe an Elf lost it.".
I sat and pondered where the Hell does one buy Christmas Condoms in such a Bright Festive color. Son wisely pointed out "The Internet. Everyone knows that." So I spent last night researching My Find. And my oh my Condoms are so fanciful now, with stunning names, colors, SO MANY Sizes. ( I found some Asian ones called " Speedy", that made me laugh, I mean that is not an encouraging name.) But I was struck WHY aren't they Advertizing more on TV, especially during Shows that promote Sex ( Grey's Anatomy, the OC, etc.). If the Condoms are Cute and Colorful , in Disney Colors, even some on Lollypops ( called Jolly Suckers). Well shouldn't there be more ads? I mean after 6:30 pm we have a gazillion Cialis and Viagra ads every evening. If the Condoms are better made, and better priced and so Friendly shouldn't the Protection be offered, even as a Public Health Service ?
I mean if Elves are using them...why not the rest of us.
18 comments:
WHY aren't they Advertising more on TV
Because the First Evangelical and his loyal storm troopers will not allow such a "sinful" thing to appear in front of America. It promotes SEX, and we all know how many hundreds of thousands that's already killed in Iraq.
I know I know....The Right to Lifers have So Many to Save...that is why so many are dead in Iraq...( according to Hopkins study atleast 500,000- horrific..)
Katrina and Iraq showed just how sacred life is to this immoral corrupt evil " Regime"....
and the Abstinence programs are working so well....
(NOT!!!!!)
sorry Future I better get off my soap box....
You know maybe it was a Elf condom- it was pretty small...
OMIGAWD! You should write comedy more often (and yes, I remember the tale of the hairpiece well).
I wasn't even halfway through it before I was shrieking "stop" in laughter. By the time Son wisely suggested the Internet I was in tears. Thanks for the good full-body laugh; few things feel so wonderful.
Thanks Mel...it was pretty funny I have to admit...Son said I should photo it- so I ran back down with camera- and it was gone- so some other poor soul must have it stuck to their shoe....
and yeah- we all need to laugh....
even the elves....
I think the elves are hiding their heads in shame after your description. We now know that they wear wee green ones.
Aye, me boyo...and I thought that the leprechauns would be those a'wearing the wee green ones.
Or will the leprechauns be the elves' Irish cousins now?
I must have some eggnog with a jigger of Bushmills in it and contemplate this for a while.
Oh my heavens! That is the story of the week. Well done, E4E. True, condoms are in again, especially since it is banned by so many - just like books, they become top sellers.
E4E, there are several lovely "boutique" condom stores; I recall one in Chicago, forget the name, but it had just the best selection!
But yes, any condom called "Speedy" just doesn't quite give confidence...
They have condom adds on the tube all the time...maybe it's just because I live in New York...
Fred: hmm, maybe there are more ads in New York- but I mean during the same time frame as the Cialis ads...you know ? I only see the Trojan ads very late at night. ( my ads do tend to suck here in the Bible belt).
DIVA: I love the speciality stores...Seattle used to have the Rubber Tree- really wonderful store with a very interesting Sample Basket...
Mary: Yup...speciality ones...and Contraband always stirs
things up nicely..like going to a Speak Easy in the 30's....
we live in the Televangical Purity Era...ekkes.
MEL: yup you drink that nog and contemplate...leprecahuns...yeah- I bet they are raunchy little fellows getting into mischief...but I would be happy to know they are being Protective...
SUMO: yup..I bet they are hiding their little heads in wee shame over the wee willies....
Enigma, I think you just witnessed a certifiable alien encounter ... Martians!!! Little green men are using little green condoms for protection as they travel around earth. They are so small, their whole body fits in the condom, which protects them from our nasty earthly environment in the same way they protect us from STDs. That's why it looked spent. Had you examined the contents, you'd have found a tiny little martian screaming "roll me back up, I can't breathe your carcinogenic air." That's why it wasn't there when you went back to photo it. After hitching a ride on your shoe, the little guy rolled away in his condom mobile. Trying to get back to his mission: observing life in your alley. Expect future contacts from the red giants of jupiter soon. ~~ D.K.
oops, also wanted to say no condom ads in red-sand utah. that ad time goes to the used missionary clothing store. really! i wish i was kidding. ~~ D.K.
DK: OMG....you are klling me...too funny...thank you for making me laugh so hard....
Now you're making me curious, Deke, and I have to ask: If they don't advertise rubbers in Mormonland, do they run ads for Viagra/Cialis/etc.? Or are they too busy with their Jell-O molds?
Ugh, lime Jell-O; somehow that kind of reminds me of what originally stuck to E's shoe...
hah mel, i'm not sure! i mostly watch satellite tv, only tuning the local stations for weather & news. as an experienced commercial zapper, only the most egregious catch my attn (like the used missionary clothing store). but it would NOT surprise me to learn viagra ads are considered OK, afterall bob's woody problem could interfere with baby production.
I really don't know in what, if any, fashion the morms are promoting safe sex. They do believe in very young marriages, so maybe that's it. I sure hope it's not that innocent maidenhood (ugh) flower crap they were selling back when I was an innocent flower.
re: jello ... I actually like it ... when it's inundated with lots of fruit & nuts & whipped cream, in other words very little gelatin. and pistachio ice cream beats lime jello any day. ~~ D.K.
Oh...my lime jello and Mormons...and to think it all started with Something stuck on my shoe...
Now speaking of green I confes that yesterday went walking the dog in the urban snow and sure enough-
yet another Find...this time VERY Green Mardi Gras Beads...so beautiful glistening in the snow....
hmm, maybe the little Martian dropped them...
Little Irish Martian elf -- he must be a travelling wee man. Cleveland for X-mas, off to Utah for Jell-O to take to NO to make shooters for Mardi Gras; Chicago for Saint Paddy's, then I guess out to Area 51 for a springtime rondezvous with the other little green men. My word, it'll be time to have the saucer tuned up by then.
See, E? it all ties in...
And the moral? It's not what you step in, it's where you end up with it.
Or maybe it's just the Nyquil talking.
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